Saturday, 11 June 2011

I like big butts...The Magic and Madness of Ebay. Part 2

I've been feeling a little less than fabulous recently. My figure pretty much recovered after my first pregnancy, but then I entered my 30's, bouncing 10lb Boy2 came along, and nights of leaping about to techno til 5am were long past - replaced by sitting on the sofa working my way through the Prison Break boxset and a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc. My stomach's fairly flat considering, but I have flabby upper arms and a general loss of tone. So, I've done the only thing that could be done. Returned to that dreaded place we all turn to in the end, the only place that gets results. Huh? Booked a course of Zumba? No, not the gym - do I strike you as someone who would wear sweatpants?! I speak again of Ebay, where everything can be bought...for a price.

Welcome to the Magic and Madness of Ebay, part 2! After the spirit dolls post, it may not surprise you to learn that as well as paranormal collectors, Ebay is also home to a multitude of witches and spell-casters, all just desperate to grant your every desire. But I'm not interested in your common or garden 'love spell', nor protection from 'negative forces' (not yet anyway, let's see how many warlocks I enrage first) - what I need is to lose half a stone - can they help me with that? Why yes! And it's quite uncanny, just look at the first listing I found:

"Welcome my friends! I feel that you were drawn to look at this auction! Your spiritual energy felt where it could gain real help and felt the real magickal energy generated by even just this ad!"

Holy magickal energies Batman! This is just what I need. My bingo wings will finally be a thing of the past, just like the batwing jumpers I use to cover them. And look - she's illustrated her listing with a random picture of Lenny Kravitz, wearing a frankly ridiculous turkey feather and leather combo, which means I have the excuse to reproduce it here!

I still would. Once we'd burned all his clothes

Ok, maybe we can get Mr FHCS all Kravitzed up later. But yes, there's plenty of pictures of what I can achieve with her spell too.

She looks pretty foxy, right? And the seller has absolute faith in her (will)power, having used the 'magick' successfully herself. Between giving birth and her child's first birthday she lost 100lbs. That's 7 stone 2lbs - or Nicole Richie. Wow. Impressive. All she used was "this spell, and basic common sense". Hmmm. Well, for only $9.99 I guess it's worth a shot. Or I could just use the basic common sense part for free.

But why stop at just losing a few pounds? Let's go for a full body overhaul. I think I've mentioned my weird slightly different coloured eyes before. One is green, and the other is hazel with a big brown patch in it, and both are grey round the edge. I could get those coloured contacts, but I don't fancy sticking my finger in my eye. You know what I'm going to say now, don't you? There's a spell! The seller says she can change your eyes to any colour, as long as it's 'natural'. Her picture appears to be of a coloured contacts shade chart, but let's not quibble.

"The colours you may choose from are Amber, Blue, Brown, Gray, Green, Hazel, Red and Purple"

Yeah, cos so many people have purple eyes.  Don't give me Liz Taylor - her so-called violet eyes were not the colour of Prince's pants. I'm not even going to think about who would ask for red eyes. At least one customer is happy though, leaving the feedback that "spell casted [sic] 5 days ago my eyes were brown now there is [sic] blue ripples. Amazing". I am indeed amazed.

So I have my new sylph-like figure and my bewitching purple eyes, why stop there? I could "grow a few inches taller safely and painlessly", "add a cup or two" to my current breast size or make my face "appear more beautiful to everyone around me". Nah. I want to look like J-Lo. It's time to roll out the big guns. It's the Voodoo Hoodoo Booty Enhancement Spell - whoop! And Mambo Belle, High Priestess of Voodoo 'Magique'  is going all out to sell it, in the rather incomprehensible style of a spam email:

"People will look at you differently, look at you more! You will hear over and over again compliments and comments on your curvaceous bouncing bottom!
Plump, Shapely, Luscious Booty!
Buns of lovely pear shaped globes! 
Curvy Backside!
Luscious Bottom!

Yes, I imagine people will "look at you differently" if you wear those out of the house

All I have to do is send her $29.99 by Paypal, and "join in with a simple candle offering and anointing with oils". Mr FHCS has kindly offered to help with this part. [I don't know about you, but I find my bum often looks better after a judicious helping of body oil and in the dark by candlelight]. Mambo Belle and the Loa Spirit Goddess La Sirene will do the rest. 

All the the magical listings are private so feeback doesn't specify what spell was cast, but it's fun to guess:

"This is great seeing some results, hope to see big results soon!!" 

My money's on the Penis Enlargement spell - only £4.99! Unbelievably, no questions have been asked about the spell - but 24 have been sold! No questions? Not even "can I expect any tingling sensation?", or "will I be able to operate heavy machinery?". But I shouldn't laugh, these are are men who will go to any lengths for what they want. [A little width is thrown in as well]

Seriously though, whatever you call it, I don't believe that magick, magique, voodoo or any other kind of hoodoo can help with gender realignment. But believe it or not that is offered too, along with promises made to couples suffering from infertility. This is taking advantage of people who in all likelihood are at their lowest ebb - desperate - and no legal disclaimer in tiny writing talking about 'entertainment purposes only' makes it OK.

I make no judgements about the power of 'positive energy' if the practitioner has at least met the patient - I know people who swear by acupuncture or reflexology. Who knows, certain Wiccan practises may have some efficacy too - but in small ways. If you're dopey enough to give your money to an Ebay charlatan offering whiter teeth or purple eyes, that's your look out, but promising a baby - or indeed a sex-change - is just unkind. I leave the last word to Mambo Belle, buried at the very end of her listing  for a shapely butt;

"and remember, modern medicine is a type of magick too"

No shit.

Lakota x

If you can cope with more of my ramblings on slightly more mundane matters, why not come over and 'like' my new Facebook page? Let me know if you have one too. Oh, and don't forget to check if you were one of the Plum and Ivory giveaway winners.


  1. I can't stand mendacious crap like that - people promising so much that just can't be delivered, it's worse than plain theft as she is playing on insecurities.

    The hilarious tits and arse spells are one thing, but I completely agree on promising fertility- we all know someone who has struggled to conceive and claiming to be able to help in that area is plain mean!

    Jem xXx


  3. However, you clearly need some of those incredibly classy jeans! :-P xXx

  4. hahahahahhahahahaha those jeans!! hahahahahaha.Nothing else to add except more laughter!! x

  5. ha! the lenny kravitz bit made me laugh!

  6. I'm trying my hardest to get fit this year. I lost 3 stone in 2009, and have put 1 back on. If there was a magic spell, believe me I would hang my running shoes up for good. Self belief is the key, and maybe handing over cash for nothing but a false promise is enough to help fuel that belief for some. Maybe if you shell out for enough spells there will be no money left for wine or treats, therefore weightloss success. And perhaps staring at a screen for long enough will turn your eyes purple. And hang on, slim, purple eyes? Irresistible to men...pregnant within weeks. What a spell!

  7. hey, leny has an outie! who knew :)

    and p.s. thanks for the laughs!!

  8. I could do with that weight loss spell, would pay extra if lenny came as part of the deal,i could get over the sight of the tassles ;o)

    As for the butt one, I have more than enough, maybe i should offer market competition, 1lb of my butt fat for half the price of her spell ;o)

    Im now off to check out ebay to see if I can get me a pair of those jeans....

    Scarlett x

  9. You absolutely kill me! As if Tim Minchin wasn't enough the other day - this post had me in stitches. I suppose snake oil never goes out of style...

  10. It is crazy how people can get away with posting things like that on Ebay, surely no one would pay money for that, then again as it has already been said the type of people who would are those that are vulnerable at already at their lowest, thanks for the giggle though : ) xxx

  11. that is hilarious! Gotta get me some of those jeans for the school run x

  12. Eugh - people like this make me so mad. I am Pagan - have been for 15 years. Yes - I have cast spells yadda yadda, and have found them to work. But this? This is wafflesome bullshine. Gives everyone else a bad name.

    Kravitz? He would get it - straight up... sideways... as long as he didnt sing his pap song "Fly Away".

  13. This is classic! What can I say? The Church of Oprah would agree with the premise that you were drawn to this. Ah, it is just another degree. I showed this to my hubby (who is a cranky old man)...he didn't even laugh. I am currently desperate enough to buy a spell to cure cranky old men and give thm their sense of humour back.

  14. This is classic! What can I say? The Church of Oprah would agree with the premise that you were drawn to this. Ah, it is just another degree. I showed this to my hubby (who is a cranky old man)...he didn't even laugh. I am currently desperate enough to buy a spell to cure cranky old men and give thm their sense of humour back.

  15. Whats to bet they make more money than any of us with all that ridiulousness lol but a great post xx

  16. Man alive, I thought that I knew the ins and outs of eBay pretty well but I had no clue about this! And the fact that people DO buy in to If my scheme to sell used underwear on eBay doesn't bring home bank, this is my followup plan.

  17. Another great Ebay post. Can't wait to see what your next one will be about.

    Madison xxx

  18. if i got Lenny K i would risk the spell of anything.. ha ha! I can't believe people pay - and yes while funny - also cruel to pick on people when they are desperate to have a baby etc. but i would get cross but to busy thinking of Lenny looking fab in angel wings....xx

  19. Lenny does look pretty hot in that pic minus the daft outfit of course!
    My Granddaughter also has different coloured blue, one green with an orange/brown bit. Very unusual...makes you unique I say.

    Reflexology is very good for relaxation and my Mum swore by it for diagnosing certain ailments (She was a reflexologist before she was a social worker). Its no weight loss cure but it does make you want to wee lots afterwards, lol...maybe thats where the weight loss comes into it, hahaha.

    Great post...made me chuckle x

  20. Madness... but more importantly did you find a seller listing those fabulous jeans?! ;o)

    Victoria xxx

  21. Oh crap! And there was I buying a spell that I thought would send Lenny Kravitz to me - without clothes obviously!

  22. Hilarious post! My hubby thought I was looking at a porn sight as he glanced at me scrolling through!!!! Those jeans-OMFG!!!!!
    I wonder what the science is on whether the placebo-effect works online? I suspect it a stretch even for that catch-all excuse for rip-off nonsense cures for everything!

  23. Ha! I lost the ability to make a sensible comment after that gratuitous picture of Mr Kravitz. He can wear what he likes, phwoar! xxxxxxxxxxxx

  24. hahaha, love the jeans... I had no idea one could purchase such items!! Hope you had a fabulous time in Malta & hope you are keeping dry in the rain it's reminding me of our trip to the car boot! hehe xx

  25. hahaayy, this jeans make me want to buy some. people are such scammers, cant trust anyone now in days. I dont spells too but this takes the cake.

  26. Insane. And as for those jeans - well words fail me again! Whatever next!

  27. hahahahahaha i could do with losing alot , i mean ALOT of weights!!! i'm sure you're still gorgeous even after you had two babies, for me? i havent even had children and I already had bat wings under my arms, stomach that people might mistake me as a pregnant woman and butt that could crush a mountain hahahahaha *sigh in tragic* ....

    xx Susan

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  29. As I read your post I can think of numerous reasons why I love reading your blog, but here are two of them! One, I read it with a fake british accent in my head because I'm just that dorky. Two because losing stones sounds so much cuter than losing pounds, although I'm afraid I have an entire boulder to lose!!

  30. I agree with scarlett, I do <3 Lenny Kravitz!

  31. My eyes change colour depending on my level of alertness, hydration etc', it really freaks people out! Or maybe I'm a mystery shopper for the magic eyes person. Ha!

    Love the jeans. Scary. Danni Minogue wore a pair in the 90s like that, got all over the 'what not to wear' mags... I bet she wishes she had a spell to vanish those pics away!

  32. Soooo funny!!!!! Can't believe that people really do spend money on some of these things!

  33. Soooo funny!!!!! Can't believe that people really do spend money on some of these things!

  34. Fan-ruddy-tastic! You had me laughing out loud at my computer. That woman is going to catch her death if she doesn't put her undercrackers back on. Hope you're having a great week, Lakota. Em x

  35. Brilliant post-my face hurts from laughing. If you want some pure ebay nakedness (be warned before you click the link) check out the idiot selling this table
    Think I might be sticking to my airbrushing software to make me sexy.

  36. Love it, love it, what a fantastic post, so very very funny. I will be cutting some big holes at the back of my jeans tomorrow, for when Lenny comes to visit. xx

  37. Frickin fantastic post - I love it - though like Vix, I kinda lost concentration after that pic of Mr Kravitz. Mmmmmm.

    Sarah xxx

  38. I have to say the sexy nicely shaped but in the jeans looks nice but all I could think of was 'eeeuuwwwww'. Sorry, but it was my first thought.

  39. I meant to type BUTT not but...hahaha

  40. 1. this post made me laugh. A lot. Which after the couple of weeks I've had, is a magic spell all in its own right, so thank you magical lady

    2. You are right though - tit's and ass and loosing pounds is one thing (although seems to me £££ are the only ones likely to be lost...) but fertility treatment, purlease. Do these people not have a conscience ?

    3. I so would. Feathers and all.

    Oh I so would. See, smiling again at just the thought of it. :)

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